A young rabbi said to the master, “You know when I study and when I join others in great feasts, I feel a great sense of light and life. But the minute it is over, it’s all gone; everything dies in me.”
The old rabbi replied: “It is just this feeling that happens when a person walks through the woods at night, when the breeze is cool and the scent in the air is delicious. If another joins the traveler with a lantern, they can walk safely and joyfully together. But if they come to a crossroads and the one with the lantern departs, then the first must grope her way alone unless she carries her light within her”
Tales of the Hasidim
I was at an information session for the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius and this was used as part of the opening prayer and reflection. I will admit that, at first, I thought to myself,
“This is all fine, well and good, but in the end the person is still alone!”
Looking back now, that night, was probably the single most important night of my life!
The previous 4 years had not been that easy. I had returned to the Church, but was still more wrapped up in what I wanted from God and Church. The Church, IMHO, was wrong on so many levels, and I pursued my education so that I could work from the inside to help change the Church into what I thought she should be.
I had suffered much loss and grief and at the time was in a spiritual desert. There was an occasional oasis- God sending someone into my life to show His presence, but all too often I became dependant on others to give me things that I should have been seeking within myself.
I wanted peace in my life. I wanted a richer prayer life. I wanted to be able to trust in God, but my experience had been that no one could be trusted, that, in the end, I was going to get hurt, and that I was, in fact, unlovable.
How was I supposed to believe that someone I could not see actually loved me, and that love was unconditional? In my experience, love has always come with conditions!
As I sat in this meeting, I wondered to myself what I was doing there. How is this “retreat” going to help me? It was way too structured for my taste, and the time commitment was intense! Silent prayer for an hour, every day- it might as well been an eternity! Yet, something kept telling to me that this was what I needed to do. So after a couple weeks of prayer and pleading, I took the leap and applied.
I was accepted into the program, and so began my transformation. It was not easy. As a matter of fact, there were days, even weeks, that I wondered what I got myself into! The Exercises called me to look at myself and my relationships, with others and with God. They helped me to see where I was attaching myself to things, ideas and people, so that my focus was not on God’s will, but on my own. And slowly, with the help of a wonderful group of people who were sharing the journey with me, a very patient prayer guide and the grace of God, I have found the peace, love and trust I was seeking.
I can say with all honesty, that I am in the best place spiritually and mentally that I ever have been. The light within me, that I thought had died out long ago, was fanned and nurtured with love, kindness and friendship, and I am not longer afraid of being alone in the dark woods, because my light, the light of God in my life, is shining bright, and I now know that no person or event can ever extinguish that light!
It is an awesome feeling!!
The Exercises have been a great gift to me. They have helped me to start to live the truly authentic Catholic life I craved. The helped me to realize that I am who I am because God made me that way, and that He loves me, even in spite of myself. And the prayer of St. Ignatius has become my prayer also-
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
My memory, my understanding
And my entire will,
All that I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
That is enough for me
In the words of Jerry Garcia…what a long strange trip it’s been!
And one that I am so blessed to have been able to take!
So, for anyone of you out there in blog land, who may be looking for a way to enrich your prayer life and your relationship with God, I strongly encourage you to look into the 19th Annotation. Here in Rochester, we are lucky to have both Assumption in Fairport and the Mercy Prayer Center who offer this experience. The retreat will start again in the fall, but there is a lot of planning on the part of those facilitating, so if anyone is interested, I recommend that you contact one of them soon. And if anyone has any questions feel free to e-mail me at oneofthewomen@gmail.com, and I will do my best to share my experiences.
Peace to All!
AMDG!
"In the words of Jerry Garcia…what a long strange trip it’s been!"
ReplyDeleteHow true!