To be truly human, fully myself,
To accept all that I am, all the You envision
This is my prayer.
Walk with me out to the rim of life,
Beyond security.
Take me to the exquisite edge of courage
And release me to become.
Someone once told me that being human, like a triangle, had three sides, one side being the physical aspects, the other the emotional/intellectual aspects and the foundation is the spiritual aspect. And this person went on to say that while the two sides were very important, and we tend to concentrate most of our energy on maintaining them, they are meaningless without a good, solid foundation, which also needs attention if it is going to stay sound.
It was actually this idea, as well as a longing that I could no longer resist, that brought me back to the Church. I had been “un-churched” for about 20 years. Oh, there were the obligatory weddings and funerals, an occasional Christmas or Easter, and attempts at other churches, Episcopal, non-denominational Christian, etc., but in the end I longed for the ritual, symbolism and richness of the Catholic tradition. My only problem was I wanted all the “externals” the Church had to offer, (“the bells & smells”) yet I was not ready to give up my ideas of what the I thought the Church “should” be as an American woman in the 21st century.
As I look back, and see where life’s journey has taken me, all I seem to hear in my head is the Grateful Dead singing
“…What a long strange trip it’s been….”
That is has.
There has been illness, estrangement, death and lots of other darkness.
There have been so many times that I wanted to say the hell with it the past five years. I blamed God for a lot of the crap that was happening in my life. I couldn’t understand why everything seemed so dark all of the time. But, I stuck with it and kept praying, even when the only thing I could think to say was “Why, God?”
And slowly, the darkness has been lifted away. It has been a lot of hard work on my part- re-examining attitudes, looking at how I live my life, asking myself what it is I truly believe. It has not been easy and I know that I would not be where I am in my journey right now, had it not been for the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius.
The “Principle & Foundation” , as well as Ignatius’ encouragement of using one’s imagination in Gospel contemplation intrigued me, and with a little prodding from some friends, and a lot of prodding from the Holy Spirit, I embarked on this new phase in my journey this past August. It has been a most wonderful and rewarding experience thus far. Not always good, or even pleasant, but I have deepened my relationship with Jesus, have developed a very rich prayer life and appreciation for the sacraments, especially Reconciliation and Eucharist, and am becoming more “spiritually mature”. If you are looking for a way to deepen your faith and enrich your prayer life, I highly recommend “the Exercises”, it is a life-altering and life-giving experience, and is helping me to build that strong foundation.
Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam
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