My former spiritual director, a priest, once asked me a very powerful question-
"Do you want to be a priest(ess)because that is what you believe God is calling you to, or because the "institution" says you cannot be?"
I will confess, my first thought was, "typical, arrogant male attitude".
Yet, for whatever reason (the Holy Spirit at work?), this exchange from over a year ago has been playing through my mind like a movie. And now, I see where this very wise man was leading me with his question. I will say that the journey has not always been a pleasant one, there have been plenty of pot-holes and detours along the way, and it has brought me to a place where I believe that I can now answer that question.
Growing up in the 70's & 80's, I was taught that I could do anything that I set my mind to- whether it was being the president, an astronaut, a firefighter, a teacher, etc. Being female should not and would not exclude me from seeking what I desire. I got very wrapped up in the feminist movement and believed that all barriers needed to be broken allowing women to pursue any goals that they wanted. It was a very secular, self-centered attitude, and one of the plethora of reasons that I ended up leaving the church for nearly 15 years.
When I returned to the church, one of my primary motivations for becoming involved and attending classes at SBSTM was so that I could help to "change the system" from the inside.
During a particularly difficult time in my life, which caused a deep crisis of faith for me, some friends suggested that I talk to this particular priest, who subsequently became my spiritual director.
It was through the teaching and example of this very holy man, that I now find, with much difficulty and humility that I have accepted the fact that he hit the proverbial nail on the head with his question.
Did I want to be a priest(ess) for God's glory, or for my own?
Surprisingly, the answer was it was for my own glory. It is very humbling for me to say that, and the shift in my attitude has taken me more by surprise than anyone I have shared these thoughts with.
What I have learned, through prayer, spiritual direction, and much reflection on my life as an American woman, who happens to be Catholic is, is that nothing I do should be for my glory, and all I do should be for God's glory!
Priestly ordination is not a "prize" to be obtained. It is a call to the holiness that is "In persona Christi", the living embodiment of Jesus on earth, in all his humanity and all his male-ness.
"Do you want to be a priest(ess)because that is what you believe God is calling you to, or because the "institution" says you cannot be?"
I will confess, my first thought was, "typical, arrogant male attitude".
Yet, for whatever reason (the Holy Spirit at work?), this exchange from over a year ago has been playing through my mind like a movie. And now, I see where this very wise man was leading me with his question. I will say that the journey has not always been a pleasant one, there have been plenty of pot-holes and detours along the way, and it has brought me to a place where I believe that I can now answer that question.
Growing up in the 70's & 80's, I was taught that I could do anything that I set my mind to- whether it was being the president, an astronaut, a firefighter, a teacher, etc. Being female should not and would not exclude me from seeking what I desire. I got very wrapped up in the feminist movement and believed that all barriers needed to be broken allowing women to pursue any goals that they wanted. It was a very secular, self-centered attitude, and one of the plethora of reasons that I ended up leaving the church for nearly 15 years.
When I returned to the church, one of my primary motivations for becoming involved and attending classes at SBSTM was so that I could help to "change the system" from the inside.
During a particularly difficult time in my life, which caused a deep crisis of faith for me, some friends suggested that I talk to this particular priest, who subsequently became my spiritual director.
It was through the teaching and example of this very holy man, that I now find, with much difficulty and humility that I have accepted the fact that he hit the proverbial nail on the head with his question.
Did I want to be a priest(ess) for God's glory, or for my own?
Surprisingly, the answer was it was for my own glory. It is very humbling for me to say that, and the shift in my attitude has taken me more by surprise than anyone I have shared these thoughts with.
What I have learned, through prayer, spiritual direction, and much reflection on my life as an American woman, who happens to be Catholic is, is that nothing I do should be for my glory, and all I do should be for God's glory!
Priestly ordination is not a "prize" to be obtained. It is a call to the holiness that is "In persona Christi", the living embodiment of Jesus on earth, in all his humanity and all his male-ness.
Beautifully put, Persis. It takes true faith to acknowledge such things. The same truth can be said even for some ordained men. They seek glory for themselves, bot Him whom they serve.
ReplyDeleteExcellent in every aspect!
Thank you, Gen!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this Persis. We all could afford to be more humble. So often we do things for our own personal glory and satisfaction, and not for the glory of God. And it is very difficult for us to acknowledge this.
ReplyDeleteHow profound!
ReplyDeleteIt would all of us well to keep that phrase—"for God's glory or my own?"—in mind constantly. I know it's something I need to remind myself of more often than I'd like to admit.
Thank you!
Persis,
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to know if you still see yourself primarily as an American woman first, and then a Catholic woman second? I ask because it is something I've been struggling with for the past several years. As I said to my priest a few years ago, "I can be a jingo with the best of them, what I want is to be Catholic with the best of them." Thanks for this great post.